Your Number Please

Operator:  "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut.  May I have your..."

Customer:  "Hi, I'd like to order…"

Operator:  "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"

Customer:  "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,
it's 6102049998-45-54610."

Operator:  "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan.  I see you live at 1742
Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366.  Your office
number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's
266-2566.  Which number are you calling from, sir?"

Customer:  "Huh?  I'm at home.  Where d'ya get all this information?"

Operator:  "We're wired into the system, sir."

Customer:  (Sighs)  "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-
Meat Special pizzas..."

Operator:  "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."

Customer:  "Whaddya mean?"

Operator:  "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very
high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol.  Your National
Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." 

Customer:  "Oh.  What do you recommend, then?"

Operator:  "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza.  I'm sure
you'll like it"

Customer:  "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"

Operator:  "Well, you checked out `Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your
local library last week, sir.  That's why I made the suggestion."

Customer:  "All right, all right.  Give me two family-sized ones,
then.  What's the damage?"

Operator:  "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids, sir.  The `damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."

Customer:  "Lemme give you my credit card number."

Operator:  "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in
cash.  Your credit card balance is over its limit."

Customer:  "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here."

Operator:  "That won't work either, sir.  Your checking account's
overdrawn."

Customer:  "Never mind.  Just send the pizzas.  I'll have the cash
ready.  How long will it take?"

Operator:  "We're running a little behind, sir.  It'll be about 45
minutes, sir.  If you're in a hurry you might want to pick `em up
while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward."

Customer:  "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"

Operator:  "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so
your car got repo'ed.  But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed
that you'd be using it."

Customer:  "@#%/$@&?#!"

Operator:  "I'd advise watching your language, sir.  You've already
got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop…"

Customer:  (Speechless)

Operator:  "Will there be anything else, sir?"

Customer:  "No, nothing… oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters
of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."

Operator:  "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents
us from offering free soda to diabetics."
 

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