Your Number Please
Operator: "Thank you for
calling Pizza Hut. May I have your..."
Customer: "Hi, I'd like to order…"
Operator: "May I have your NIDN first, sir?"
Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,
Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742
Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office
number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's
266-2566. Which number are you calling from, sir?"
Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this
Operator: "We're wired into the system, sir."
Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of
Meat Special pizzas..."
Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir."
Customer: "Whaddya mean?"
Operator: "Sir, your medical records indicate that you've got very
high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National
Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice."
Customer: "Oh. What do you recommend, then?"
Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Yogurt Pizza.
you'll like it"
Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?"
Operator: "Well, you checked out `Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from
local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion."
Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized
then. What's the damage?"
Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four
kids, sir. The `damage,' as you put it, heh, heh, comes $49.99."
Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in
cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit."
Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your
driver gets here."
Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking
Customer: "Never mind. Just send the pizzas. I'll have
ready. How long will it take?"
Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about
minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick `em up
while you're out getting the cash, but carrying pizzas on a
motorcycle can be a little awkward."
Customer: "How the hell do you know I'm riding a bike?"
Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so
your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid up, so I just assumed
that you'd be using it."
Customer: "@#%/[email protected]&?#!"
Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've
got a July 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop…"
Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?"
Customer: "No, nothing… oh, yeah, don't forget the two free liters
of Coke your ad says I get with the pizzas."
Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents
us from offering free soda to diabetics."
to Freedom Stuff / Back